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The helper approach and the things I refuse to do

The friend asked me to do a lot of things for them. I said yes to some and no to more. This article is the list of noes.

Helper approach 3 min read why no author line

The three addresses

Nexus Market publishes these three onion addresses. Present as supplied, in no order, with no ranking. This site does not probe them and shows no uptime figure.

nexusb2l7fmqnefwphyy7m5zjhlkytlbo7qbb5lu5dlczr3azgii2gyd.onion
nexusma2iqgauqqvjcgds4ckv5xbf272tkfagq4epojjhsgleqpwxiqd.onion
nexusabcd6tyfhdwilyitaqiri6tisj2v2hueyjuj6qkvd6azvi5tuqd.onion

Why refusals matter more than yeses

Anything I say yes to on somebody else's behalf becomes my problem later. Refusals keep the responsibility with the person whose responsibility it is.

Refusals also teach. They show the friend the shape of the boundaries of the work. Yeses do not do that as clearly.

I will not log in on their behalf

I will not enter their password into any market on my machine, and I will not enter my own password into any market on their machine. That is one rule with two directions.

Passwords belong on the machine of the account owner, in a manager they control. Any exception to that is a bad exception.

I will not create their account for them

Account creation is a set of choices the account owner makes. Name, password, second factor, recovery choice, everything. I will not click through those for somebody else.

If they want the account, they make it. I can sit next to them while they do, on their machine, and answer specific questions. That is different from doing the clicks.

I will not send them an address in a chat

The three onion addresses at the top of this article live on this site. If the friend needs an address, they go through the site the same way I do. I do not paste an address into a chat where a substitution could happen.

This looks unhelpful in the moment. It is protective in the longer run. The chat is not a place where addresses travel safely.

I will not fund their wallet

Money movements belong to the person whose money it is. I do not send them coins to deposit. I do not receive coins from them. I do not carry a balance for them across the border of the market.

This is a strong refusal because the friend is the person who bears the consequences of the money move. Helping with the move blurs who bears them.

I will not choose vendors for them

I might say what I have seen in general terms, if they ask. I will not name a vendor and say buy from this one. That is a choice they make with their eyes open, on their account, at their pace.

Naming vendors turns a helper visit into a recommendation, and the recommendation carries a weight I am not the right person to hold.

I will not follow up unprompted

  • I will not message the friend to ask how their first visit went unless they raise it.
  • I will not check whether they signed up.
  • I will not offer to sit with them for the second visit if they did not ask.
  • The helper role ends when the first help ends. Continuing without a prompt turns it into surveillance.

What the refusals leave me free to do

They leave me free to be helpful with the small things. Explain how Tor works, in a sentence. Show them the copy button. Sit at their desk for one demonstration. Write a small note.

The refusals are what make the yeses honest. Without the refusals, the yeses expand into a role I did not sign up for.

How the friend usually reacts

Usually well. Friends who ask for help are not usually asking me to do the thing for them; they are asking me to show them the shape. The refusals name the shape, and they get it.

Occasionally somebody presses back and asks why I will not just do the thing. The answer is short: because the thing is theirs to do.

The opposite approach

The helper approach at one desk with two readers, the version where I do help, at their desk

What this article is not. This is not a claim that a helper should refuse everything. It is a claim about which things a helper should always refuse.

Read another in this approach

The helper approach that only points at this siteThe best pointer I can give is a place to find the address, not the address itself. The helper approach at one desk with two readersSitting next to somebody and doing it in front of them is the strongest form of teaching. It is also the slowest. The helper approach for questions coming through a chatA chat is a slow medium for teaching. It is a fine medium for pointing.
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